Ok so I lied...

Couldn't stay away.

The siren call of the keyboard is distracting me from a project that I would really like to get done.

But sometimes I just have to write.

Let the words come out.

I spent the night with my kids.  We got nothing productive done.  We just watched Kung Fu movies and ate dinner.  And now it is late and even though I would like to be going to bed, I know that I have far to much to do.  So instead of doing that I decided to write.

I will put on some music and then get to the work later.  For now.  I'm here.

I'm looking at the monitor thinking to myself, "You have run out of ideas for the night, you put them all in that little book."  And then I start to argue, "Fuck that, there is a vast well.  SF told you today that you are complicated in very interesting way."

"Oh yeah, well look at that book, what the fuck else could you put down."

"This, fuck off."

Either way I win the argument it is kind of nice.

So I'm looking at the keyboard and thinking to myself that I really need to spend some serious time here.  I took off a few weeks, just blogging, and writing a little bit here and there.  But now I have to face the fact that this work is going to get harder before it gets easier.

SO I've alluded to the "Big Project," and for the few of you who don't know, it is a semi-autobiographical novel.  should be a fun time in the long run, but right now I'm getting to the part where I tried to be someone that I'm not.  The one that doesn't drink to much, that doesn't cut and burn, the one that has control.

That isn't me, and though that fact scares me sometimes, I have recently come to terms with it.

And what has become more frightening is the fact that for nearly a decade of my life, I tried to buy into something else.  I had the "family" and the corporate job, and the works.  And I came out the other side of it a little chewed up, and much worse for wear.  I was the kind of man that was to busy scraping and bowing to realize just how far he had fallen on his knees.

Well that is the part of the novel that I'm about to embark on.  And honestly I'm not to excited about it.  i don't like facing the face that I'm basically a shit heel sometimes.  And I don't like owning up to the fact that in the last eight years my life has not really progressed much.  So instead of having a "night" I'm just going to post here, and get back to the stuff that needs to be done around the house.

Then I might get back to my other project.

I will finish the novel before Valentines Day.  That is my official goal.

Well then.

Goodnight.

File under Virtue.