All Saints To The Shroud - This Is The Darkest Morning

"Those I have wept for your sake are enough."

Gabriel Garcia Marquez

I haven't posted in a few days.

I have been writing for something larger.

I may tell you all about it sometime.

But I need to go back a few days, because the idea won't get unstuck.

It is Halloween. Quite possibly the best of all holidays. I had taken the kids trick or treating, which is always a blast. And at some point the two big kids went with J. and I just took s. That was nice. I don't get to spend a lot of time with her alone, and she seemed to really enjoy spending time with me, we are getting closer through his whole thing, and that is nice.

After that the kids went to grandma's for the night.

I was free, for the first time in years, free to do what I wanted on Halloween.

And I had plans. I went to a friend's party. She had a rum and coke Slurpee machine. Brilliant. There were people there and conversations and it was a lot of fun. I probably should have stayed and basked in talking with the rest of humanity. Had some contact with human beings. That would have been the smart thing to do.

But I had made other plans. Da. and Ja. were supposed to meet me at the theatre along with S&S. Da. got into it with someone cops were involved (though I didn't know it at the time), and he wasn't there. Ja. was dieing from face nerves so he couldn't make it. S&S. were there and we watched the first movie. It was a good time, funny and scary, but more funny.

I enjoyed being around them. But then the second movie came on, and they decided to leave.

I decided to stay.

In between the movies A. called and asked how the movies had gone. I told here it was between them. She said to call when they were over. She was going to have tons of food left over, so I should stop by and get some on the way home (we only live a few blocks apart).

I watched Halloween, I kept on drinking. I tried to flirt with D. and couldn't really get behind it. And that was when it hit me. Alone.

It is a dark black feeling.

And I would be going back to a dark black empty house. No kids, no lover, just a pet, that isn't super cuddly, and a computer screen or TV. I began to walk home. The bar down the street was disgorging its drunken masses. I thought to accost a woman and convince her to go home with me, but the thought seemed so pointless. That wasn't what I wanted. I wanted more, not just a one night mistake.

I got most of the way home. Streets empty and dark. And on a bus bench I saw a lone guy. Hunched over asleep. How close was I to that, in that moment. Drunk, alone, no where to really go other then to an empty bed. I called A. out of desperation. Food and a chat before I went on my way home.

I got there. Ate some food. Drank some soda. We watched half of Dogma and I talked through the whole thing just to hear talking.

3 AM - All Saints Day.

I walk home.

I can't bear to sleep in bed. I put something mindless on the TV and sleep on the small couch.

Alone.

I ache.

"I reach my end, for artless I surrendered to one who is my undoing and my end."

Gabriel Garcia Marquez

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