It's late...I know.

She wakes up crying and all I can think do do is try and comfort her. But she doesn't want me. She wants mommy. And I'm not mommy. I never will be. I will only ever be daddy. And that is difficult. Tonight mommy is just at work. But there is a time coming where it will be more than that. When mommy won't be coming home. And she will want mommy and I will just have to tell her, "Not tonight. Tonight is just for daddies."

I don't want to say that. Ever.

I don't want to be in the position where I have to tell the kids that she isn't going to be here tonight. No matter what she is doing. That is the least of it. Work, play. Not here to put them to bed makes it hard for them, because mommy has put them to bed a lot. They will miss her. And I need to make an effort to not let that get the best of me. To not be hurt by them wanting her instead of me. And to not be bitter at her for not wanting to be here anymore, because of me.

She will be a good mommy to them in some ways. In others she won't. And I am the same way. Parents are supposed to be a team. But we won't have that anymore. Our positives and negatives will no longer have the benefit of cooperation, of mutualism, of a sympathetic system. Not that we were really great at that to start out with.

It is just a matter of doing what I think is best for them. I'm sure she is doing the same (and will do the same), and I'm sure those "bests" won't always sync up. But what else is there for me to do.

So I hold her on my lap. Rub her back. And tell her that I love her. And say nothing about mommy, because tonight is just for daddies.

File under Virtue