Let us be clear

"There is the boiling point.

This space in my heart that sees how unfairly this society works. This place in this black little heart (or so I've been told by Denver J.) that is a glowing sparked ember when I hear about the hate and greed and fear that my faith perpetuates.

A good friend writes about what kind of Christian he would like to be. And that deep dark part of my heart that I have reserved for emotion becomes the El Corazon, pierced and aflame, just at the idea that he has to explain what that means.

Another friend asks me how I feel about the government we helped elect. I tell him that it has driven me from moderation to extreme. He says to me, "I've just started telling people that I'm an anarchist with no qualification." I realize that for the first time since I've truly understood what that meant, past something the Sex Pistols sang about, I am too.

I realize that my faith is directed towards the failure, not the success of this "More Perfect Union."

I wake up and feel it, "Like youth, like youth, the fire burns in out chest." A slogan, a lyric, a murmur that maybe someone else is hearing. At what point do you have to give up? How much further are you going to let them (specific them: your boss, his boss, their board of directors and the government that they no longer have to answer for), tell you what not to do? Are they going to take your house? Are they going to take your job? Are they going to take the money that you paid your government in taxes?

Why are we not angry yet?

Why am I still sitting here? What are any of us waiting for?

Fuck if I know.

File under Agency

Heat and Relief.

Heat

It does something to you.

When it is 70 at 7 am and you know that it is just going to go up from there. It makes you full of bitter rage. You burn with hatred for the sun, and for your fellow man. The six blocks to the bus makes sweat break out in rosary beads on my forehead, each one slowly rolling down into my eyes, they sting like someone else's tears.

The soundtrack becomes Crossroads Blues, and country about sweltering heat. I'm preparing myself. Building up my mind for how I will physically feel in just a short time.

The population of the bus has increased ten fold with weather that doesn't involve snow. Three people ask me for something at the stop. Cigarettes and money, this is all they ever want. I want to have pity but it is hard. I am hard. It is like the heat has hardened me some. Like it has cauterized something vital shut. I should have a heart and a soul today, but it isn't here. It lays in another place. Hidden, a hidden heart. A story only the most nerdy of my friends have heard, and a story that only I think I really feel.

A man gets on the bus behind me.

He moves and twitches to much. Over active in his movements to the point that I want him to stop moving for ever. I seem to burn with irritation. The bus moves, someone honks at it. The bus driver swears and honks back. Tempers are rising again. 7:15am and the mercury lifts and lifts and lifts like it never wants to end.

Twitch answers his phone. He is in his 50's at the youngest. He starts talking about Facebook and how he was talking to one of his girlfriends from when he was in Jr. High and how she hasn't mentioned that she is married, and that she seems friendly, and that he hates the internet so he will give her his number. Then he says, "Should I tell her that I just got out of prison." He keeps talking, overly loud. All of us on the bus now know that he has been to prison.

I just want him to stop talking.

I want so many people to stop talking. There are just to many people everywhere. I don't care most of the time if I'm one of the people that stops talking. It isn't suicidal, or defeatist, it is just that the whole world needs relief.

This heat.

I read about community, and freedom, and a change that I can really understand. One where we live like there is no tomorrow to make sure there is a better tomorrow.

Stop talking.

My stop is up and I walk into work. There is air conditioning, but it is hot still. It is 7:30am and when I pick up a thermometer in the kitchen it says that it is 95, then I watch it move up a little more. I work, I sweat, no longer beads but trails down my back, into the bandanna on my forehead. I don't want to talk, I don't want to say much. I don't want to use the energy to make hot breath into the air for the sake of idle chatter. I stop talking.

For one shift I'm the living dead. I have no goal, I have no purpose, I have no aim save, "Finish work and leave, get out of this heat and into less heat."

Political treatise and taste in music movies and books all flee me. There is nothing but the hidden heart and the heat.

She is one day away.

The heat is here now. It is here now and as I get ready to finish the day of work it is all I feel. I walk out the door, damp form sweat and the cleaning of a professional kitchen. I stink and I'm bleeding a little. I know that I ache but the sun beats down on me so hard that I can't find the energy to care. The line in the kitchen was hotter, but this heat is just as bad.

Back to the bus.

I get on, the next guy argues about the fare. The driver won't let him on, so the passenger gets nasty and pays the rest of the fare. Then he answers his phone. He cusses out the driver via a conversation with the person on the phone. All he can say is fuck this driver, damn mexicans, they should shoot them all and the like.

We get to the station and there are cops.

Another guy on the bus calls someone. Lets them know he is running late because of some trouble on the bus. The other end tells him that his appointment has been canceled. His voice bellows, "WELL YOU KNOW WHAT!"

The other end hangs up on him.

He is rocking back and forth with anger. He seethes for a few stops then calls back. "I'm all the way down fucking town and I don't need to be. This is ridiculous! I'm all the way downtown and it is so FUCKING HOT!"

I want him to shut up. All of them. Voices gone from the world. The bus closes in and stifles. I feel anger rising up. I feel The Fear like I haven't in a while.

Its my stop and I'm off and I walk with a purpose. I want to leave, to be gone, to walk out of the city. But I walk home, into my room. I still sweat, I feel like I reek, I shower, I sit, I drink, I turn on the TV until I sleep.

I want to shut it all out.

Relief

With sleep comes cool. I don't even notice when it happens it just comes in.

I wake with the sun and a cool breeze blowing over my stripped down torso. She is on her way and she has brought relief with her. Cool air. I move through my day in a unhurried and less annoyed way. The steady stream of cool wind seems to give everyone a new bit of life.

I still hear the voice that says, "There is a time coming. When all of us will have to survive. And many won't." And it still fills me with a kind of anticipation. The kind that realizes that we have lost track of the rhythm of things. We don't remember the hot and cold. We only remember the discomfort of moving from controlled climate to controlled climate. There is joy in a snow man, or in the popcicle on the sidewalk.

More and more we are losing out way. The heat is trailing off though. As I walk the city I don't feel like dieing. I just feel like moving.

I go home to wait for her.

There is music and distraction.

And soon her.

Her in my arms, her voice, her hands, her stories.

I doze and drift. Dreams and a cool breeze on a warm day. She comes in and the embrace never ends. We hold and hold and hold, and fall into bed, and the heat turns to white hot and I feel like I'm going to burst. With joy, with love, with passion. I feel like I'm on fire, and all of the heat of the week has built up inside me to make me want to destroy, and fight, and rage war. And it is all coming out of me in her arms, she is holding me, and I fall into her. My heart spirals, and she is close beyond close.

There is thunder. And the cordite smell of burnt ozone. It isn't to close but the clouds are coming and the thunder is more frequent. And the rain starts to fall harder and harder. And with her comes relief. With her comes the perfect story. With her comes hope and desire, love and anger all wrapped into one.

The rain comes down, and I listen to her talk. I listen and watch and wonder.

Someday there will be a time when we will have to survive, and if I don't survive that is fine. Just give this place relief.

Lord knows I needed it.

More rain.

More rain.

File under Virtue and Agency.

Bits and Peices.

You said, You said, You said, This Time was going to be Different.

Da. comes up about once a month to get his braces worked on. And I make a point of going out with him every time that he comes down. His is one of my best friends, and I love to spend time with him.

He has a cousin. A young guy that has a decent head on his shoulders, but he likes to tell us what kind of music that he likes. And since Da. and I are bitter old men when it comes to music we are always ribbing him about the bands that he likes to tell us are hardcore.

But Da. tells me that he is coming to town and that K. really wants to take him to see Set Your Goals. One of the afore mentioned "hardcore" bands. Even though I'm supposed to be going to watch The Railbenders with C. I feel that going to hang with Da. is more important, and that means sucking it up and seeing a band that I'm just not that into. I want to go have fun with Da. so I find myself walking into The Marquis and listening to some halfways decent pop punk.

Punctuated by Comeback Kid.

When I was K.'s age, I was into hardcore the difference was that hardcore back then was a lot more connected to its roots. This music came from something and it is still evolving and I have to give some respect to that. I really do but to hear Comeback Kid, who has a pedigree and a sound that recalls that time. It reminds me of what that feels like to have that youthful spirit, that idealism that I haven't ever really let go of, but that I have let mellow out a little bit.

And to see Da. next to me in the pit was one of the best moments of bortherhood, of connectedness that I have had in a while. Comback Kid did their set and we old men stood aside and let the kids do their thing.

I watched them move the way we used to move. Jumping up on the backs of their friends to get closer to the mic and scream their favorite line. Swinging fists and yelling, having fun. I couldn't hold that against them, and suddenly I understood what K. was talking about. Suddenly I understood that they are hardcore, just in a different way.

They have a shirt that says, "May I never lose my youth, all of this is too unforgetable." I understand exactly what they mean.

Dear John Waters, Thank You.

The next night another of my best friends came down. Me. had been plaing this night for a while. One of her best friends is a transgendered. If you don't really get what that means I would encourage you to look it up. Past that all that matters is that Ra. is just like you or me. She is a human being. She is funny, and loved the fact that Repo Man says John Wayne was a cross dresser (a fact I have had a little trouble verifying even on the internet. For once Snopes failed me on an urban legend), and she pours Bud Light over ice with a lime, she is engaging and intellegent, and she is one of Me.'s best friends. Unfortunatley she lives in G. which isn't really a beacon of enlightenment and progressive thought, so she catches a lot of shit.

Her chance to get out and be with her people is to come down to D. go to the gay bars, and just have a good time in a place where she can be comfortable in a culture where she fits in. So Me. made plans to come down and stay at a friends house and just have a good time. And I was to be drug along.

I'll be honest I was really nervous about the whole thing.

I've never been to a gay bar. I've never really been around a lot of gay people (though I have had a lot of gay friends and have come to terms with the whole they just do it different and other than that are exactly the same). But I just didn't know: What to expect, how to dress, what to think, how to act. None of it.

So they pull up and and go out I meet Ra. for the first time, and my default greeting is to shake hands. She pulls me into this hug, and tells me how much Me. talks about me and how great it is to meet me. And I'm trying hard to not feel uncomfortable because I know that she will preceive it as being uncomfortable with her, when really it is just the hug.

My culture is about fist bumps, high fives, shaking hands and punching in the shoulder, not hugs, so this is a bit awkward. Me. does it to me too, and because I hang out with her enough I'm used to it with her, but with a stranger. When did I get so closed to human contact? But I was determined to not let anything hang me up. I know that Me. is a great friend and that she has great friends, I was trusting her.

We went to a friend of Ra.'s who was letting them crash there. And Then we went to Hamburger Mary's. It is a burger joint that is run by drag queens (who tend to be different than transgendered individuals) and has fucking amazing burgers. Honest, as a cook they were really good.

Then the plan was to go to Charlie's a local gay bar.

I was really antsy. I just didn't know what to expect. But we pull up and Ra. makes me feel comfortable with one sentence to a limo driver about what kind of CDL he needs to drive the Hummer limo. In that second it dawned on me, "These people are just like all of my other gay friends, they are just people out to have a good time." So I walked right in with the two of them.

The place was just like any bar, with good drink specials, and a lot of people having fun. There was honestly less desperation and pretention in the air than most places that I go. I had a great night, and was articulating that to Me. and Ra. through the whole night.

There were things that I saw that really weren't to shocking, that Ra. would glance over at me about. To see if I was "straight" freaking out. But honestly John Waters really prepared me well for a gay bar.

As the night worn on I was sitting talking to Ra. about how good of a time I was having and how fun I thought she was. And she said, "You are so sweet. Thank you." And leaned in a kissed me. It was strange, because I wasn't offended or put off. All I could think was about how Ra. was just out looking for someone to love her. Just like we all are. And I feel pretty honored that for that split second I got to be the person loving her, because she probably doesn't get a whole lot of love in her life.

We walked to Benny Blanco's and got some pizza after closing down Charlie's and while there Me. went in to order pizza, while Ra. and I sat outside. Some idiot inside wouldn't stop staring, so I told him, "Keep staring and see what fucking happens," he turned around quick. Ra. is my friend now, and I protect my friends the best I can.

Me. and Ra. caught a cab to where they were crashing and I walked home down the alley.

Un Beso de Desayuno

V. has keys to my place.

I've told her that she can always stay over. If she doesn't want to drive home, or just to get away for the night, or anything.

I lay in bed and pass out.

Then I hear the door opening.

The bolt slides open and then shoes thumping next to the floor. Then a jacket hitting the ground.

"Hey scoot over."

I scoot. We wrap up in each other's arms. Sleep evades for a while. Close comfort.

We lay next to each other in the dark. Soft kisses and then finally sleep. I have to be up for work very soon, but I have no desire what so ever to lose this moment. As I sleep I wake myself up over and over. Restless but because I want to remember all of this. This is what love felt like a very long time ago, and I want to grasp it.

We wake the next morning and she gives me a ride to work, asking me all about the night before, and really happy that I had the experiance that I had. I love to share things with her, and she tells me all about her night, and what she loved about it. And the she gives me a kiss, and I'm off hoping to see her sooner rather than later.

Bri. Bri.

There are some friendships that I'm very sad went to the wayside for one reason or another.

Bri.Bri. is one of them.

He played bass for a band that my first band used to play with a lot, and we became very good friends.

We never had any kind of falling out, we just stopped being around each other. And stopped communicating (something that was a lot easier to do about 10 years ago).

About twice a year I would try to look him up on the internet or ask some people if they knew what he was up to. Information was spotty. And then one day about three months ago he friended me on Facebook.

I met with him the Monday after waking up next to V. We caught up. I told him about my marriage and divorce, my three kids, my move to D. and my poverty. He told me about his alcoholisim, how he lost a woman (and her kids) that he loved intensely, and that he was a maker of primative weapons, and that he was learning about gun repair.

And we walked.

All over the neighborhood.

The restless feet of Agents. The restless feet that I have grown so acustomed to in my friends. These men and women that are waiting for that one spark. Something to set the fire that we can flame. Flames that we can use to forge.

It is good to know that Bri.Bri. still carries the fire.

It is good to know that Da. will never forget his youth.

It is good to know that Ma. and Ra. can find love.

It is good to know that V. fits well in these arms.

Where to even file this. There is no place except for all.

So File Under All.

Lyric

Got To

Gotta find a way

to pay the rent today

gotta find a way

to get in your arms again

gotta find a way

to make it through the day

gotta find a way

gotta find a way

maybe life was easier

behind those jail bars

but then I don't get to hold my kids

or be in your loving arms

maybe life was easier

living that way every day

but its a new day

gotta find a new way

Gotta find a way

to pay the rent today

gotta find a way

to get in your arms again

gotta find a way

to make it through the day

gotta find a way

gotta find a way

Maybe life was easier

at the bottom of the bottle

but now my moneys all gone

and life is a constant struggle

maybe life was easier

living that way every day

but its a new day

gotta find a new day

Gotta find a way

to pay the rent today

gotta find a way

to get in your arms again

gotta find a way

to make it through the day

gotta find a way

gotta find a way

Drink It Down

Yeah yeah yeah

drink it down

yeah yeah yeah

drink it down

yeah yeah yeah

drink it down

yeah yeah yeah

drink it down

This bottle of rum

is dry as a bone

and though I drank it all down

I'm still all alone

tip it over

not a drop for the glass

and no matter how hard i try

i can't remember why you left my ass

Yeah yeah yeah

drink it down

yeah yeah yeah

drink it down

yeah yeah yeah

drink it down

yeah yeah yeah

drink it down

this cup is empty

no matter how hard I stare

and no matter how much I drink

you still aren't there

but if I close my eyes

i can see you here

with that blue dress on

and that flower in your hair

pass another bottle

we'll need another over here

and if you ain't coming back

we may need a few more beers

look around the room for some one new

that isn't you

to take home.

Lyric

::Thanks go to D. for having several posts like this. I ripped this off from him and feel like giving credit.::

15 bucks

15 bucks and a late night

will get you a ticket to ride

I'm taking the brown bus

down highway 85

to see my kids tonight

I'm slipping off into sleep

as I pass through Denver city lights

I know that when I wake

I'll be in my kids arms

tonight

never meant to be so far away

never meant for this

to be my life

but some times things don't work

between a man and wife

15 bucks and a late night

will get me a ticket to ride

so I'm taking the brown bus

down highway 85

to see my kids tonight

Eastern Plains

when the Eastern Plains open before me

and your long legs are all I see

got a thousand miles left of drivin

cos home is where I want to be

ain't afraid of no highwayman

because I know I'm the better one

got to get across that Kansas border

back to Colorado where I belong

when the Eastern Plains open before me

and your long legs are all I see

got a thousand miles left of drivin

cos home is where I want to be

shiftin to a higher gear

crackin open another beer

gonna drive right through the night

cos being in your arms is right

when the Eastern Plains open before me

and your long legs are all I see

got a thousand miles left of drivin

cos home is where I want to be

Kick Down

gonna kick down this door

and walk the whole way home

ain't nothin gonna keep me

from those I know and love

I've been sitting on my hads

for far to fucking long

workin all day

forgetting this song

I feel it deep inside

this anger burning bright

time to strap on boots

and walk the streets tonight

gonna kick down this door

and walk the whole way home

nothing gonna keep me

from those I know and love

by the work of my hands

and words of my mouth

gonna make some pay

and bring down the fucking house

i'm tired of standing still

tired of ill will

lets get the music going

no more bitter pills

these times

call for me

of action

not of means

to sing songs

of salvation

and walk

these city streets

gonna kick down this door

and walk the whole way home

nothin gonna keep me

from those I know and love

How I can be an insurgent today...

A response to a random person on Craigslist, sent via e-mail.

-----

Evolved,

Please keep in mind that there are a lot of Christians that don't know squat about their religion and a lot more that lose their way somewhere along the path.

Pura vida,

Atenas

Waking up in the morning, still on the verge of poverty, but with food in the cupboards and a roof over my head. I find that today I still have no work, and that matters very little to me. So I decide to read and see what I can find on the internet that is interesting, maybe even a little mentally stimulating.

I've never looked on the politics section of craigslst. because I was afraid it would be what it is.

A non stop bicker and bitch session between the warring factions of capitalist right and capitalist left. Two sides of the same coin, that hate each other over arguments that have been dictated to them by culture and up bringing. We hate the red team (or blue team) because it is what we have always done, and it is what we will always do. I largely skip posts, to many refrains of the word idiot, stupid, moron. Not even real insults, not even real arguments, just banal rivalry between adults that learned how to debate in high school locker rooms.

Then this. This one post, this one moment of intelligence and grace.

I had to say something, but don't think that the hate and bitterness of the craigslist politics section is the place to put it.

So there you have it. What I would post. (What I'm sure I will end up posting and then never looking back again at the section of craigslist).

Here is to a better world, literally for everyone.

Puro Amor,

G. (RA-92-1)

Guide to Agency: Conclusion

A Road Agent always says please and thank you.

There is nothing that will stop me from looking for the world that I want to see.

And there is nothing that will stop you from doing the same.

We may have the same road to walk, we may not. But I will leave you with this one bit of advice. Don't push. Don't try to force me to think like you, and I will do the same. Don't you dare try to force someone to think like you around me, or I will always take their side. Don't bother to ask me questions like, "Where is your faith in all of this?" Because my answer will always be, "In my heart, where it belongs."

I will be kind to those who are willing to give me the same respect, and I will try to swallow my pride and be kind to those that don't.

But I will do what I need to do to walk my road.

And that means that I will try harder and harder to push outside of the bounds of this society. This world. I will take all the friends and family that I can, because they are myself, and I will hope that they are willing to walk with me. And I will look to the sky in the hopes that the hope that I have felt in my briefest moments of joy and freedom are something that I will be able to live a whole life with.

There is to much in my way.

To much greed, to much corruption, to much wealth. And that is just within myself. That is just me and my failures. But I won't let it capture me. I will take a step each day. I will remember that what I have in my bag are tools not toys. I will remember that I'm made of more than myself. I will remember that everything is there for the taking. And that I'm armed to the teeth. That I know who I am, and how I will deal with each situation that I'm forced to encounter. I will remember that often the argument isn't worth the hassle. And I will remember that I have a home.

So do with this what you please. Rewrite it to suit yourself. Print it just so you can burn it. Mock it. Hate me for it. I don't care. I now know that I have a home, and I'm just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes jogging, sometimes plodding, but always one step closer to home, and when I get there. I'm sure you will know.

So please find your road, walk with me, even if it isn't by my side, or the same way that I walk.

And thank you for bothering to read.

File under Agency.

Guide to Agency: 7

A Road Agent always makes it home.

Home

Is a home where you live?

The people you live with?

Is it a bar, or a house, or a feeling?

Does it matter?

We are all walking towards it. Maybe home is your love wrapped in your arms. Maybe it is some kind of eternal salvation. Maybe it is the first bite of an apple, or the first sip of wine. You have a home. You may not even know where or what that is but you are walking towards it. And you will make it there. Because we all do.

There is a candle in the window.

There is someone that loves you on the other side of the journey.

You may not know them. they may not know you. They may not be who you think they are. But they are there. They may not be a person. It may be an idea, a place, a glimpse of what joy we can have here, or in the afterlife. It just doesn't matter. All that matters is that you will make it.

If you walk.

You are reading this right now, and you are thinking. It may be, "Yes Yes Amen," it may be, "Heretic," it may just be a simple, "Idiot." But somewhere inside of you, you know that there is a home for you out there. My road, and my rules may not be what you are looking for, and they may lead to a home that you don't want to understand, or feel you can never understand. But you have a road to walk too.

And right now, this world it is telling you, "Don't walk home. Stay right where you are. There is enough comfort for all of us, and you don't even have to share that. Just sit tight and we will try to give you a 'home' that you can accept. All you have to do is sell us your time, and then when we give you the money for your time, spend it on your 'home'." Or it is telling you, "These are madmen that want to destroy our perfect lives. Look at all that we have, why would we ever want to go back?"

Why indeed?

Because sometimes back is the only way forward. Because when you sit you never make it home. So you have to get up. You have to awake and see for yourself that there is more to life than this. More to life than collecting stuff. More to life than money. There is helping the hurting. There is changing the world for the better. There is a road to walk.

A home to reach.

And every Road Agent, always makes it home.

File under Agency.

Guide to Agency: 6

A Road Agent keeps her/his eye on the horizon so he/she isn't surprised.

There are a million pitfalls to fall into.

A million ways to be beat down.

Nothing can ever be predicted.

But everything can be dealt with.

The Trap

There is one trap that each and every one of us falls into.

The one that tells us we have to be the kind of people that are free from all falsehood and all hypocrisy. It is impossible, there is no way to live your life never telling a lie. And there is no way to live you life without being a hypocrite. If I told you that I was a man without hypocrisy I would in fact be a liar.

The trap is getting so caught up in trying to live up to an unattainable expectation that you get nothing else done in your life. Sure I watch TV, read Science Fiction novels, go drinking with my friends. In my own way I hold down a job, make money to pay rent. That makes me a liar when it comes to everything that I have put down in this little guide.

But what did I say at the beginning. This, all of this is real.

We can live free and unfettered. We can have real liberty and freedom. It is within our grasp. Sometimes that is only for a moment, or a week, or a year. But who knows, maybe if we each take a step in the right direction, we could make it a lifetime. But most people instead of taking any kind of steps to being happy, because they may look foolish if they fail. Or they are afraid of what their co-workers, friends or family feel about it, they just sit and do nothing.

We will all fail.

That is what we do.

There is nothing that will ever prevent us from botching most everything that we do. You will fail someone, they will fail you. But if you just sit in the trap of fear, then you will never do anything. It is this endless cycle, this loop, a maze that you must overcome in your own mind. Stepping out of the system may be very different for you, than it is for me. But if you take no action. If you live your life waiting for someone else to come along and change what you don't like for you, then expect to wait forever.

So ignore The Trap. Walk out of it. Someone is always going to try and make you feel like shit for pretty much anything that you do. So don't worry about it. Make life the way you want it to be. Write your own rules, make your own guidelines. Then when they don't work; edit, rewrite, scrap them completely and start all over again.

That is the only way to escape.

Freedom

You escape a trap and find yourself in a new place.

Free from the judgement of others. Free from guilt. And there are a million things that you can do with that new found freedom. But the most important is learn how to deal with your own emotions, and your own situations. You never know what life is going to bring to you. But you will always know who you are and how you will deal with it.

So think.

What happens if the life you just walked away from is the only thing you know? What happens if all of your friends reject the new trajectory of your life? How will you deal with these things? If you can seek your own heart and mind out you can predict the future. You can prepare yourself for what is coming down the line. Because you don't really have to know what is going to happen, you just have to know who you are, and how you are going to deal with things.

And when something is brewing on the horizon, you do what you can to know how to deal with it.

You aren't always going to be able to prevent a surprise, a low blow from god knows where. But at least you know who you are, and how you want to react.

Knowing yourself is the best way to look to the horizon.

You can't be surprised if you know who you are in the world.

File under Agency.

Guide to Agency: 5

A Road Agent keeps his eye to the ground looking for something useful.

Why buy it when you can steal it?

Why steal it when you can make it?

Why make it when you can find it?

Just keep looking.

Steal

You chose to steal every day.

You may not rob a bank, or shoplift something. But if you checked your Facebook at work, you were stealing time from your boss. If you read an article and said something out of it to your friends with our crediting the author, you stole that idea. There are a million little thefts perpetuated every day. Did you take an extra 30 seconds on break? Did you pocket some sugar packages? Did you...

Does it matter.

We are told from childhood that it does. That ripping somebody off is horrible. That it takes money from their pockets. The argument is always, "What if everyone did it?"

My rebuttal, "What if everyone did it?"

If people paid for nothing, and no body made any money would that be so bad. Who cares if you have a TV, or a mansion, or any of the big stuff. What if you just took what you needed when you needed. Not amassing surplus, not caring about having excess. Just what you need. No luxury.

If we all did that what happens?

Then we don't need a lot of things. Maybe not the huge house, maybe not the TV, maybe not even this internet connection that I'm typing on right now.

What if we all did it?

Make It

So we all do it.

You are out of food so you go steal a bag of rice from the store you work at. And you realize in that moment, that you can do this. This works for you. And you realize that you don't need money because everything is right there for the taking. So you quit your job.

And the refrain is, "What if everyone did that?"

So the whole world quits working. People begin to take whatever they want. So they take TV's and radios and computers. Sure it is mass chaos. But soon people begin to realize that no one works any more, so there is no more TV, no more radio, no more internet. The only entertainment is what you make. And the store shelves begin to go empty. There is no more food to just take, no clothes to just snatch up.

Our conditioning that a shirt is tossable once it has a hole in it goes out the window. Everything becomes worth while. Seeds, cloth, needles, thread. Suddenly these are the things that we desire. We can make clothes, grow food, entertainment is at our very fingertips. We can scratch the words of love poems in the rocks, or sing songs on broken guitars, watch puppet shows made by children with sticks, we can go back to interaction, to a real life.

We can make it all.

Everything that we need can be made.

Find It

And how do we make things.

We find the base materials. Find seed, find cloth, find knowledge.

Everything is right there. Either in the world, growing, waiting for us. Or in our hearts, that courage to step out and find a society that is different than this. That is different than any other in history. It is all right there inside of each of us. All we have to do is find it.

And once we have.

Nothing can stop a single one of us.

You just have to keep looking until you find what you need.

File under Agency.

Guide to Agency: 4

A Road Agent always has a bag.

You need to be practical.

You need a way to move about.

You need something to read.

You need somewhere to keep gifts given to you.

Practicality

We aim for survival.

Being poor, or rich doesn't matter.

We want to be comfortable with what we have, and when we have to much we want to give it away to those that don't have it. That is how the world should work. Right now it doesn't though. And when you are moving from place to place (in physical or mental worlds) you should have a bag. Something that you can hold your real needs in. Whether that be food and drink, a good book, or just your ideas.

That is the practical side of a bag. It is a Tool. And you need Tools to make your way down this road. Because the walk can be a long one, and sometimes it can not only be lonely, it can be dangerous.

A bag can give you freedom. Maybe you need your bag to escape the situation that you are in. Maybe you need your bag to arrive at your final destination. This is the simplest of ideas to me. This is just about knowing what you need, versus what you want.

What you need...

...That can fit in a bag.

File under Agency.

Guide to Agency: 3

A Road Agent is always armed.

What happens when the fight is brought to you?

What happens when then?

I will not sit on my hands.

I will always defend who I love.

Weapons

Someday someone will try to hurt those that I love.

And I will use everything that I have to defend them.

That attack may not be physical. It may come in the form of words. It may come in the form of lies and corruption. It may just come in the form of nature taking its course and people falling apart. But I will always defend those that I love.

So what are my weapons?

The obvious. Bullet, Bomb and Dagger. But what is more sharp, and cunning than words that will never die? Hope that doesn't fail. Anger that has become my greatest Spiritual Gift. Words on a web page or wheatpasted on a wall. Graffiti art, any kind of art, music, books, movies that have been made subversive by Tyler. I will embrace every weapon that I can get my hands on. And I will wield them.

Rethink what weapons you have.

Take an inventory. Your weapon may be a copy machine, or a beautiful drawing, it may be the lover at your side, it may be the gun in your holster. You were armed and you never even knew it. You had the means to defend yourself from The Beast.

The Beast

Forget John's Revelation.

Forget The Omen.

The Beast isn't something that is on its way in the end times. It is here.

It hides in the back of every WalMart, in the back of every home, in the back of every heart. Each and everyone of us is a part of The Beast. Because we are all a part of a system that allows people to go hungry and homeless. Because we aren't helping The Hermit. Because we don't care, we can't help because if we do than we will lose some of our things that give us the false sense of Comfort that we so desire.

And the Beast enslaves us. It tells us that we can't be happy until we have what it tells us to have. This is a lie that I buy into. This is a decision that I make all the time. The Beast is nearly impossible to defeat. And honestly there are days when I don't try.

And that is why I have to stay armed at all times. Because The Beast is always bringing the fight to me. It is always telling me what I need and how I need it now, and that I don't have to care about anyone other than myself, and that nothing matters besides what The Beast says matters. This is more deadly and evil than any fairy tale Devil that comes to possess your children for playing Ouija. This is a real demon, a real Lion seeking whom it may devour, and daily it devours all of us.

So fucking fight back.

I'm trying to. Like salmon swimming up stream.

You probably are too.

You may not even know that you are fighting The Beast with every weapon in your arsenal. But when you decide to not cave into your desire for the new car, or the new TV, or the new blah blah blah, you are fighting.

And you and I we are in the trenches together. Trying to make this world some kind of better place. Trying to make this world one where no one gets left behind, and everyone is loved, and has Comfort. No matter who they are. There is no time left to ignore this fight. There is no place left in humanity where this fight isn't being fought. And for us to really truly survived we will have to fight, and keep fighting till every Beast is gone.

I'm talking up arms.

File under Agency.

Guide to Agency: 2

If a Road Agent isn't welcome he knocks the dust off of her/his boots.

Not all people want to be free.

Not all people want to hear what you have to say.

This is where wars are born.

We can just knock the dust from our boots to let them know where we stand.

Opinion/Fact

"Statistics is just a way to lie with math."

Louis the Lion

You and I don't ever have to agree on anything.

That doesn't mean anything to me.

You can back up every one of your arguments with meticulous scientific fact. You can tell me that my faith and my system are just a figment of the imagination. That they will never work because of human nature, that they are prone to the same kind of corruption that yours is. And I don't have to agree. I don't have to concede a single point. I don't even have to argue with you.

I might if the mood strikes me.

But I don't anticipate changing your mind.

I don't anticipate changing your rules.

All I know is that this world doesn't work for me any more, and it should. The items that are supposed to serve me (TV, Money, &ct.) they now control me. And as I try harder and harder to strip down my life to bare essentials they still find a way to weasel their way into my heart and pull strings no matter how minute.

And that is my Fact. And that is my Opinion.

And you can disprove me all day. I don't care.

I know how life treats me. I know how I can combat the things that I don't want in my life. And those make up my rules. I don't expect you to change yours.

But that is because you are a human being, a person.

The rest of it. The point where people have stopped being in control. That is something that I will always argue.

When a corporation, government, group of any kind, mandates, coerces, forces someone to be a certain way. I will always argue. I will always fight to change those rules. I will always try to smash that system in all ways. No sub-culture, no company, no flight of fancy gets to dictate how I think and how I feel. I create my own value, and my own values. All day every day. And they are never static.

And when I argue my point I see the hypocrisy in my words.

And I just don't care. I can never be rid of that. I can only hope that I make this world, my words better.

Knocking Dust

So what happens when I speak my Facts and you call them Opinions.

Or you speak your Facts and I call them Opinions.

What happens when I try to smash powers and you take it personal.

I will not always be passive about it (you will read about that soon, if you keep reading that is). But I will try to just let you be. I want respect for what I believe and that means I need to give you the same kind of respect. That may mean I just don't argue. That may mean that I just kick the dust from my boots and say, "You don't want to hear it. Fine then, I'm gone. I'm not going to shut up, but I have no need to tell you anymore."

I don't need to prove myself to you.

I know what I think and believe.

If you don't like it. I'm back on the road in a heart beat. Breathing. Living. Unfettered by you and your Facts.

Bolstered by my Opinions.

File under Agency.

Guide to Agency: 1

A Road Agent walks when he/she can.

This is about two things for me.

Comfort, and Self Reliance.

Comfort is what keeps us in our place.

Self Reliance is what we can use to break free.

Comfort

It is simple to look at comfort as something that we need. That we need to be held close to the bosom of material wealth. That we need a TV, or a car, or a roof over our head or food. Sure we need things to survive. But how we obtain those things makes us up. And getting caught up in the rat race of material collections is an ever increasingly easy flow to get caught up in.

Every corporation, and person is trying to sell us something now.

Aside: In a lot of ways I'm trying to sell this too you.

I make it easy to read, (hopefully) decently well written. I add some pictures. I make what I think sound desirable. But I have no end goal. I don't want your money, or your adoration. But that is the beauty of being human, we are steeped in hypocrisy and there is nothing that we can do about it.

And that something is largely comfort. Eat until you are over full (you will get fat), so get the operation that will make your self image better (and then none of your clothes fit), so you go buy the new clothes (and now you need somewhere to show them off), so you go to the hip new club (and at the club you have to fit in so you buy the same expensive drink), and on and on and on. All searching for comfort and pleasure. Company after company leeching on your personal insecurities and foibles.

"A wealthy man's heart is a ghetto."

And because you are constantly seeking out the new comfort that you were just told you absolutely have to have, you are never comfortable. You have just been fooled into thinking that comfort is something to be attained. Not something that you have.

What about laying in the grass next to a lake with your love. What about wrestling with your kids in the ball pit. What about flashing eyes in the throes of passion. Or giggles at a well told myth. You don't have to pay a penny for a single one of those things. And yet they are all the comfort you will ever need.

There are necessities. But how hard do we really have to work to have them. Is a tent not a roof. Is bread not a food. We are soft and complacent, and we will never be able to really walk the road until we realize what self reliance means.

Self Reliance

It is easy to make this a trap too.

Self reliance doesn't mean that you are the only one that you can rely on. It means that we are the only ones that we can rely on. The self isn't really just one person. It is this network of people, this family that each and everyone of us gathers around us. Family, friends, lovers, children. They all make up the self.

Without them you are still something, and yet nothing all at once.

No matter how alone, or how secluded you make yourself. There will always be someone that cares about you.

An illustration: I was talking with a friend that was from a certain part of the state. And he had mentioned to someone else that was from the same part of the state that there was a hermit that lived in those parts. The two of them began to chat about him. And how he lived.

Just on some land.

In a cave, or trailer, or tent. I don't remember and it doesn't matter. But he would come into town a couple of times a week and buy some staples, and his whiskey.

What he is doing with his time, and his solitude don't matter to this illustration. His myth is in place, he is The Hermit.

What makes him that.

The people around him. The people that care about him. Because both men talked about how they would give him things like food, or whiskey. How an uncle would take honeycomb to him. He was cared for. Because deep inside we want to care for others. We want to be people that value others. We are often just to caught up in serving ourselves. He is a monk, a traveler that doesn't move. He becomes a personality to be talked about and cared for, just because he tries so hard to be isolated.

Self is you.

Self is your community.

And your community is whoever connects with you. Who ever burns with desire with you. Whoever you want it to be, even if they don't know it.

Those people are the people that you help when they are in need. That is where needs get met.

Or that help you when you are in need. That is where needs get met.

These are the people that will always give you real comfort. And that will walk with you.

Walking

Where does walking come into this.

It is a choice of how to live. It is a fact and a metaphor and a work of art all at once.

When you don't have a car, you take the bus, when you don't have the money for the bus you call for a friend, when they don't have cars, or money, you walk. The is no distance that is insurmountable. No place that can truly keep you out. Every day is a road that you have to wake up and walk down.

And I chose to walk it.

I chose to move from place to place at my own pace. With the people that I chose. In the land that I want to live in. And no fence can stop me, because I can climb it, I don't have to worry about roads because there is no car, so I can cross the fields if I need to. And when I'm to tired to keep going, or I'm out of food, or hope. There is the rest of myself waiting in the wings. The people that care for The Hermit. Because we are all one in the same, we are all one real person, alive and full of love, and all that we need to break free of our slavery is wake up and walk away. Hand in hand with those that love us.

I walk when I can.

File under Agency.

Guide to Agency: Introduction.

This is going to be a series.

And it will introduce a new tag. Fun I know.

Disclaimer: This is real.

People and places and events in this are all real. Because we make them real, we are myth makers, we are 1%, we are criminals, insurgents, terrorists, we are poets and artists, lovers, hooligans, the violent fringe of every philosophy and religion, while being the emotional fringe of those same movements, we are 92 proof, and we are real and alive, because we make it so. And that is all it takes is one breath, one spirit to wake up and say, "I'm done, I step out. Fuck this system. Fuck everything about it except the people. People who have been slaves to one system or another for far to long."

And so here we are.

The Road Agency.

Each and every single one of a Road Agent.

A concept, a way of life. Dictated only by what we chose to be dictated by. Rules that are there just to be part of a philosophy, not to be followed all the time. Not to be worried over, or fretted about. Because we can redefine what rule means. What philosophy means. What lifestyle and belief and faith and family and everything means.

And this is a call to join us.

How?

However you want.

Spray paint, art on a canvas, poetry, monogamy, hedonism, homelessness, peaceful protest, Molotov cocktails, how ever you want to bring it all to its knees. To make material possession our servants again. To make our jobs what we do to feed our families and our real ways of life again. To make this world work the way it should. In beauty and simplicity and love.

You join us by doing what ever it takes.

By waking up.

By becoming alive.

Whatever that looks like to you.

So now I write rules. But they aren't your rules. They aren't even rules. They are my rules. And those I follow as loosely as possible. Because nothing should hold me back when the opportunity to become more free, more unfettered presents itself. No matter what the rules say. So don't follow these. Make your own. You are your own agent. You have your own road to walk. If we meet, I will always walk by your side. Because that is how we were meant to live. And if our ideas differ, so be it. We'll part ways if we need to, but it will be in peace, because we know that our rules aren't the same.

So I want to be like a ghost, like a vapor, that whispers sweet nothings in your ear. Sweet nothings about freedom, and liberty, and what they mean to me. And about the only way that I know how to break free of this world.

I am in it, not of it.

File under Agency