Tonight.

It is late, and I know that I should be asleep. 

I went to bed late last night and it made me shit at work today.

But I can't seem to lay down.  There is just something about this night.  This moment that is almost magic.

I remember sitting in front of this same screen not so long ago.  Struggling to sleep.  Lashing out at myself with drink and smoke, and vice.  Throwing myself into the deepest pit that I could.  Finding the darkness, seeking it out, running into its waiting arms before it had a chance to swallow me whole unbidden.  It wasn't so long ago that was me.

Swallowing my sleep.  Lusting after the darkness.  Wondering how much longer I could keep my mind.

How much has changed. 

Tonight...

Tonight doesn't seem dark.  The night doesn't seem to be pulling at the corners of my eyes trying to suck me down.  Suck me in.  Tonight I'm right here, and like always I'm telling the only words that I know.  I'm putting my heart down again.  But I don't feel that desperate pull.  That darkness seems to have lifted for now.

Tonight she is right there on the couch, having fallen asleep watching TV. 

Tonight we just sat, and talked and relaxed.

Tonight we were just us.

No walking away, no alone, no end of the night. 

Just sleep, and for me music.

Soft music, that I will play for a new child.  Headphones on her stomach, so that this child will hear the beauty of John Cash, and Joe Strummer.  So that the child will know before birth, the love we have.  And a state away are my other three, and soon they will be here too.  And I will smother them with joy and love.

Life gets better.

God is good.

File under Virtue.