Autumn.

Two Autumns now.

And it all seems so long ago.

Two Autumns ago I was sitting down in front of this blank screen for the first time. Thinking to myself, "I'm done with playing a part. I'm done with trying to be someone that everyone else wants me to be. It was an interesting time that was.

My marriage had failed, my job was about to be lost, I didn't know it at the time, but I was about to do some time.

My life went from being stable to unstable very quickly. I didn't know where I was going, and I didn't really know who I was anymore. All of the roles that I had played just kind of disappeared. And in a moment I realized that allowing them to fall by the wayside is exactly what I not only wanted but what I needed. I had never taken the time to be myself. I had never taken the time to really learn who that was. And now, two Autumn's later, I see a little better who that is.

I see a little better that the shadows aren't where I need to be.

From now on this will be a different place.

This started out as a place to hide my face, and still say how I feel. I don't think I need that anymore. It is still a safe place, and a place to be honest with what I feel, and how I write, but there is a change in the air. Two Autumns is a long time to wait for the leaves to fall.

-

The sun is setting and the corona of sunlight over the apartment complex is something that is stunning in its beauty. I can hear the kids in the courtyard playing soccer, and the soundtrack of the evening is Devotchka. There is that burning wood, dry leaves scent in the air. That October smell.

The house smells like food. And I'm working on getting dinner put together when she walks in the door. Her name is Mel, and I love her. When she comes in the door, she always reaches for an embrace. She always asks for a kiss. She never turns a cold shoulder to me. With her life is different. With her there is this simple happiness in just being with someone that chooses to be kind to me. Not sometimes, but all the time. The simple joy of being with someone that understands that to receive kindness you must be kind.

I wrap my arms around her from behind. My hands on her belly, there is a child in there. A new life, what seems like a totally new world to me. A world where I have nothing but hope, and the conviction that I will have a partner, that I have a team mate.

There were three before this child. Three wonderful kids that I love more than life itself. That I don't get to see as much as I want that I desperately miss. And I can't wait to tell them. I can't imagine that they will be anything besides happy. I can't wait to hear them squeal and hug and kiss Mel. I can hear Baleigh telling her congratulations, and I can see in my mind's eye her hugging Mel and patting her on the tummy. I hope that is how they react, I think that they will. They seem to truly love Mel too, they see that she is good for their father and that she makes me happy.

-

Dinner tonight isn't just for the two of us. David is on his way.

He is one of my best friends, and I haven't seen him in months. He comes up from New Mexico about once a month, and for whatever reason, we just haven't been able to make things work the last few times he was up. And though I've already told him that Mel is pregnant, I want to see him, talk to him about it. Over food and wine, and eventually Sailor.

Just like the week before when I got to talk to Steve about it. To get the, "Man sometimes you are an idiot," speech and then to laugh and be with a friend, and just spend time with the people that I care about.

These two men that were by my side as my life fell apart, that gave me moral support, and a place to live. That treated me like a human, during a time when I didn't really feel like one. The ones that treated me like a church should.

And now I get to be more like a person, I'm not shifting from place to place, from horror to horror. I'm no longer moving up a river looking for my Kurtz. I'm home now, and that is all behind me. There are still struggles, and there are still moments when I fear that it will all fall apart, but the face that I'm putting out there for people to see is no longer a mask. It is who I am, it is how I feel.

And there is Dave in the dining room, sitting with us, eating, and happy for the both of us. And we drink, and talk and laugh, and my life feels like a life instead of a sham.

And when we talk about God, it is in the way that I understand. It isn't this abstract model of a god that has been developed over generations of theology. It is just people talking, and thinking about their faith, and starting to truly understand what it means to trust God wholly. A time of true fellowship.

When Mel makes Dave a lunch for the road he says, "You are like a Christian, but in the way it was meant to be, not the way it has become." A sentiment that I shared with her in respect to her project of feeding the homeless in Denver. It just feels good to be with someone that understands that we are here to give, not take.

And these times with friends, are ones that the other woman never allowed.

That other foot always dropping. Spending an evening with Steve and within two hours she would be calling on the phone to ask when I was coming home. An emergency every time. She needed this, she needed that. And not just when I was with my friends. When I was at work, when I was trying to write. Every moment it seemed that I was required to refocus on her.

Mel kisses me goodnight at 10pm, Dave and I laughing like braying jackasses at a comedian. She goes to the bedroom to read. And in the morning she tells me. That she just wanted to give me a chance to have time with a friend. It is a new world. A new life, and it is the one that I was always looking for.

-


Two Autumns now.

And another winter on the way. Mel is always telling me that she suffers from serious depression during the winter. And having had friends, and relations that suffer from the same thing I understand what she is talking about.

I'm looking forward to it in a way.

She has poured so much kindness, gentleness and love my direction that I am truly excited to return the favor.

I want to look out a window at falling snow. Make her hot chocolate and wrap up under a blanket.

I want her to know that in dark times she is loved.

I want to hold her close when it is cold.

Everyday is a new day, a new adventure, a new memory. For the first time in a long time I get to look forward to today, and worry less and less about tomorrow. Today is a day to not hide my face anymore, because today is another day living with someone who sees me, and loves me for that. It isn't always hearts and flowers, but it is honest and real, and that in and of itself is a new adventure every day.

It is Autumn now, but soon it will be winter.

And this will be like no winter before it.

File under Virtue.