"It seems inevitable at that point. Like the mountains are commanding me."
What can you say to that?
Or to:
"I don't think God knows my name of hears my voice."
Here is this man that I turn to for guidance so often. That I have leaned on, that I feel loves God in a fashion that I have always had envy for. And I'm staring down his gun barrel for him. Knowing that the words that are going to come from me at this moment are pivotal.
The night before C. was telling me what a great writer I was. That I had written things that he had punched people too, and that he was mostly just hoping to latch onto me and somehow get famous based on my words to his music. I blushed and said that he was embarrassing me. because he was, but I felt my ego swell to the size of a god's. "Fuck yeah," I though, "I am a great writer, the rest of the world just doesn't know it yet. One day, in spite of the fact that I never try to publish my stuff anymore, I will be discovered as the amazing and talented writer that I am."
Today my words meant everything.
Today I said:
"I don't know that the mountains have a right to command you."
From what I understood that was the right words to say.
But it put my words into perspective.
Time to stop throwing them way. Using them as just mental masturbation.
I need to write for real again.
I don't know what that means, or what that looks like. But I just feel like I need to be doing something more that just throwing up whatever I feel like, whenever I feel like. Maybe it is egotistical, or selfish.
No clue where to file this. I'll call it Virtue because it is proactive in some way.
4 comments:
And as you write, know that someone will hold it in their hands- that your children will. That you will have this chance to tell and show them what it was that went wrong and what it was that went right, that if all else fails this is the one thing that shouldn't go unacknowledged- that beauty in the midst of pain and happiness is real. That you are proof.
And that they are too.
The fact that anyone could value what I'm saying, and then tell me that one day it will matter means the world to me.
Thank you.
shit dude, it mattered on tuesday 12/1/2009.
I know they did, I just want them to always mean something. I know you know exactly what I mean. For each word to be potent and powerful. Sometimes it is tripe. I know you can tell when it is too, and that kind of sucks. LOL!
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