And I talk with him about regret.
And about how no matter what I have done, the wake of sorrow and destruction I have left behind. I have none.
There are times when I have regretted decisions.
And times that I have felt foolish.
But when I look back. To all of the women that I have loved, all of the people that I have been around, all of the places that I have worked, all of the broken, fucked up messes I have left behind me. I can't find it in myself to regret any of it. I may feel bad, and I know that I need to make some kind of amends to a lot of people. But no part of me can feel like it wasn't worth it on some level.
Da. gives it to me like this: As a writer you are creating a story. Where you are and what is going on in the story right now that is all a result of what came before now. And everything that is happening now, is building to what is coming next.
I tell him: That makes all of this shit worth it. To have a new story to tell every week. A new adventure, and new plot.
He finishes since if rudely interrupted: God is writing us right now. Telling a story. And just like you are interested in what is going to happen next, so is He. Even though He knows, He is interested.
I'm a plot.
A device even.
"God utters me like a word containing a partial thought of Himself. A word will never be able to comprehend the voice that utters it. But if I am true to the concept that God utters in me, if I am true to the thought of Him I was meant to embody, I shall be full of His actuality and find Him everywhere in myself, and find myself nowhere. I shall be lost in Him: that is, I shall find myself. I shall be "saved."
-Thomas Merton
So no regrets and no fears (maybe an awkward silence when Da. asks if I want him to marry me to someone). Everything to look forward to. And life. Always life and love and hope.
There are new days coming, and a God that is right on the tail of those new days.
And when you get to here Da. give me a call.
File under Virtue.
2 comments:
If you can track it down, you need to listen to Donald Miller's talk entitled "Story". Here is the link to the Mars Hill site (Rob Bell's church) where it can be purchased for two dollars. You may be able to find it through other means.
http://www.marshill.org/cart/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=57_38&products_id=455
If you can't track it down, I'll burn you a copy and give it to you next time I see you... are you coming up anytime soon?
I should be up in a couple of weeks. But I for sure want to listen to that.
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