Normally so meticulous.
So forward thinking.
Making plans and finding ways to not hurt the ones I love. At least in this one way, I try to get things just right. But then I slip and make a mistake. And it causes her anxiety, and me pain, because I'm the cause of that anxiety.
It is one of those moments that I feel like a shit. Because all the rest of it was so good so perfect, and then one small dose of idiocy. I think I have it all under control. And I don't. And there is no feeling I hate more than being out of control. And now I fell like I've caused a rift. I feel like I'm falling apart.
Maybe I'm just to worried. To needy.
But rooms full of people, and the endless talking do not help.
And I want to run away from all of it and right back into her arms. I want to rectify all possible problems, go above and beyond. Make things as right as humanly possible. If I could harness time and space I would just fix it. Just mold back into her. Get as close as humans can and fall into death. A good happy death.
And again I find myself (probably needlessly) beating my chest.
Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa.
I don't want to break the trust that we have, and today I feel like I did. Today I'm waiting to hear her voice so I can say genuine words of regret. I just stare at the votive and think. How can I be safe tonight? How can I possibly be safe tonight?
I need to stop fixating on negatives.
But I fail.
I shouldn't even worry as much as I am right now. Because she has already told me what she needs, and that she still loves me, and that she misses me, and how she would like to see things rectified. And I will do it.
I will do anything.
I guess to ere is human.
I don't particularly like being human.
My room seems very cold tonight.
File under Vice.
8 comments:
when i think about what the great poets do and how they do it i am amazed, you have gotten me on a neruda kick as of late but i am a very selective neruda reader. i stay away from many of his traditional love poeams, it's not that i don't like them it's that i can't stand them, they make me burn for things for which i shouldn't burn.
anyway - the poem tells a story, there is a protagonist, some conflict, some resolution, some denoument. all synthesized with perfect vocabulary. i will post two poems tonight, yup two. i will dig them out. they will have titles, there will be no liner notes or context just poems.
don't worry friend - i believe you when you said there is love, you are not on egg shells or broken glass.
though those rain clouds seem like mountains, they will turn into fountains, there is gold in them hills.
I'm not on egg shells or broken glass. She and I talk and communicate and commune, and as such I know where I stand at all times.
But guilt is a mother fucker to me.
Mi corazon, all is well. There should be no guilt.
Te Amo.
"Una mujer está respirando, durmiendo, desnuda y a mi lado,
entonces, extrañas, oscuras cosas toman el lugar de la ausente,
viciosos, melancólicos pensamientos
siembran pesadas posibilidades en mi dormitorio.
I know.
Just the Catholic in me.
::winks::
i think i meant the egg shells and broken glass less for your relationship and more for you. dude i don't know how many times you are gonna hear it from me but i am gonna keep sayin it, i think it is dope, i think it is a good thing in your life.
let me complete the sentence better, there isn't any broken glass in the garden. feel free to move in your own heart. shame is a more vicious killer than vengence. samson killed from vengence and was blessed, adam hides out of his shame and is cursed.
i agree with S.F. there should be no shame.
even without knowing the price barterd for i can know the blood buys back the fear that shame purchased.
Just hard to let go of sometimes. I'm trying though.
Like I said, it's the Catholic in me.
I think I'm taking it back.
Disturbing as that may seem.
i like it actually, i think a structured liturgy provides great opportunity for growth, heck even trying to read Paul's work in Romans has been frustrating and revealing for me. i may even try and take up the mantle again. ya know there was a point in my life where i thought of joining a franciscan order. lol - what a wreck that would have been.
btw - Amber has confirmed she doesn't mind it if i make a real attempt of being a pro poker player. could have been one of the coolest things anyone has ever said to me.
Where you see liturgy. I see penance. But you know that already.
Fucking second conversation I've had about poker today.
Odd.
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