There are days, like today, where I really contemplate what my legacy is going to be like.
When I die will my kids see this shiftless lay about. Always down on his luck, always poor. Constantly harping on his need to read and write and make art. Will they see that side of me. Will they remember the times I was so lost in my work that I didn't want them to talk. Those times that I just needed silence from a two year old (a very unreasonable request I might add).Will they remember calls for landlords and bill collectors. Will they remember how I toss and turn trying so hard to find a way out of some of the messes that I get myself in.
But it isn't just them.
Will I die owing all of my friends $50. Will I pass on to my sinner's heaven to find that it is debter's prison. How can I look the world in the eye knowing that I owe the world. That I have received and never given. That kind of shame weighs hard sometimes. And I fucking hate it beyond all reason.
But it isn't just that.
What about her. She loves me, and some days I just don't understand why. This man who is so broken. I won't say that I'm a failure anymore, because I have learned better. I'm good at so many things, but so few of them are marketable when you live in a town like ours. And yet...
There she is. In my heart, in my thoughts. On good nights in my bed. And I wonder at the fact that someone would give me the time of day. I wonder that she still finds me interesting even after I'm out of trivia. That she finds me attractive in spite of middle age (holy fuck I'm middle aged and what do I have to show for that shit). And what then. When I'm done here. What will she think of me then...
I don't know. But I miss her tonight. In a way that is so very hard to explain.
So I dance to La Pistola y El Corazon with my kids. Hoping that they will give me the kind of comfort I so crave. And though it is close, it is not quite what I'm looking for. So I send them to get ready for bed, and sit here. I contemplate a "night", because I have a rule that allows for that once a week. But is that really what I want because I know that no comfort will come from that. Just that insane sinking feeling that everything is not going to be all right.
I know that I will wake up in the morning wondering what the hell is going on, but 3000 words further into the big piece" as I've begun to call it. It is a difficult decision to make. And now it all comes back to that legacy bit.
What if I'm done, and the work isn't? What will the words mean if I'm not there to finish them? How will I go on to eternal reward if I'm not done? Maybe a night is in order. I have the rum, and the coke, and if worst comes to worst I have the whiskey, and more, and more and more. What happens tomorrow?
I will be further. Closer to the legacy that I hope to have. But the night that builds to taking that one step, can I take that this week.
I may have to find out.
I have the shawl over my head already.
Like my hands have made the decision for me without my knowledge.
This one goes out to you guys.
To my kids who will hopefully sleep through it.
To my friends who may someday see some benefit from me.
To her. My God I miss you.
I'll drink to that.
File under Vice.
5 comments:
Please know this as you embark upon this "night". I love you eternally and in the morning all will be well.
Be Safe. Te Amo.
I will. I promise.
Your legacy is to not die. not in some babel headed biblical death where is your sting bull shit reasoning but in some ever real in the tapestry of life no death sense. even in the mess that was my childhood i remember my dad as some mythical figure. even when i "grew up" and realized dad wasn't indiana jones i actually developed a split memory of him. one of the real one of the myth. i think you are still mythological in the eyes of your kids. I think you do a damn fine job.
..."going on to eternal reward"
You might think about how we create heaven (and hell) here on earth - there is no going anywhere. But it has to be done, it doesn't just happen...i don't think. We're all still in school, don't be so pissed at the path you've created, embrace it.
I'm hoping my kids see me as something worth while in the end. I still see my dad as a mix of Zapata and Villa and Popeye, so I get what you are laying down J.
Vail. I'm not pissed at the path, I'm irritated with the resistance that I face. I know that is part of it. But for once I would like things to go easily.
That isn't my lot though. I accept that.
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