I'm Bad Like Jesse James

So I have this girl...

The whole deal is complicated but it is awesome.

And I have these friends...

They are less complicated, but they are the kind of friends you can trust with anything.  So they know the complications, and have enough faith in my mental capacity to trust that I know what I'm doing.

And I have these kids...

And last night I had to explain to b. that Dad lives on the fringe of things.  That if someone hurt her I wouldn't call the cops, I would fix the problem.

And I have this faith...

That allows me to be who I am.  That gives me the grace to be a total fuck up, but that is willing to love me still.  And that is where so many people stumble over what I have to say to them.

I don't go out of my way to be a jerk, or a drunk, or a old dog.  

I don't try that hard to live on the edges of society.  But I don't try that hard to fit in either.  Because I did try that for a while.  I did the wife and kids and corporate thing.  It was the wrong wife, she didn't know who I was and hated everyone that I knew.  It was the right kids, but the situation made it so I hurt their hearts.  My son still wants to know if I will be back because he is afraid of the time I couldn't live with him for a month.  The job almost killed me.  I hated every aspect of it, and the fact that I thought I could pull that off boggles my mind.

So I've given up on fitting in.

I could care less about the money, or the stability.  There is nothing in that for me.  The comforts of things are so transitory.  I may like my movie collection but as someone once said to me, "It is just stuff, it is all replaceable."

What isn't replaceable are those relationships.  Quiet moments in bed with her.  Dancing to Damien Marley while washing the dishes with b.  Wrestling on the bed with a.  Kisses and "hope me," at 2AM when s. should be asleep but isn't.  Late nights at the K. with Da. talking about anything and everything.  The couch that was my home at S.'s house for a month.  The ride home from Ja.  Going to hookah with nD. and H.  Poetry and arguments about God with sM.  Fight Club at Me.'s house.  Conversations about religion and politics with Mo.  This list of little things is endless.  These little things that are irreplaceable.  They may just be initials here, but they are my people.   

People that I may be able to live without but don't want to.  

Fuck that, people I can't live without.  

These are the things that I want.  

I don't need a job for that.  

I don't need to fit in for that.  

I don't need the real world for that.

As long as I can see my kids smile then I am happy.

As long as my friends stick with me then I know I have someone to get my back.

As long as the girl is there.  Well...

Lets just File it under Vice.