Ravings.

Da. lives with his mom.

There I said it.

Now that I've started things the way I promised I would I can move on.

I've moved from

 rum and coke, to Crown and coke.  And she has just arrived, "home."  We are on the cell phone and I'm trying to drink myself to sleep.  So far it seems to not be working.

I don't really know how much more I will have to drink to make my mind shut down.  To make me stop thinking about her and Da. and Tr. at the K. and the joy that fills me with.  I don't know how I will ever be able to shut down the thoughts of her in my bed.  Holding me close.  Being content with the simple caress of a face.  I haven't ever felt quite like this.  Ever.

Ja. tells me today that he doesn't think I was ever married, because that shit is till death do us part.  It may have been a fact on paper, but not in reality, because she gave up, and I fucking woke up.  I realized that there is nothing there for me.  She had no love, no respect, and worst of all no interest, and now I wallow in the glory that is someone that has all of those for me.  And yet...

I have always said that patience is a virtue that I possess, and that is true.  But the reality is that I lust after the day when I can be complete again.  I lust after the day when I don't have to worry about anything other than, "us."  How will I ever make it?

Who knows?  I sure as shit don't but I bet I can find the answer at the bottom of this glass tonight.  I bet I can find the answer in her eyes tonight.  I bet I can find the answer somewhere.  It has to be fucking somewhere.  Right?

Ja. I missed you tonight.  I hope that the wind dies down before I have to start railing at God almighty about that shit.  I want you to approve.  Even though I know you already do.  Because you are a mate.  But I wanted you to be there tonight.  Don't feel bad.  I understand.  By the way.  Thank you for all the libations.

S.  I hate to bring you up here (as always).  But if you read this, know that I haven't lost my mind.  I'm pretty sure I know exactly what I'm doing.

Da. and Tr.  I envy you two.  I know that life isn't perfect for any of us.  But honestly.  You are winning the race.  I can't wait to visit you in NM.

I'm just fucking rambling now.

This doesn't even count as esoteric.  It is just ravings.

Fuck me, one more drink should knock me out.

I just want to sleep.

File under H OLY FUCKINGVice.