It's a mighty hard time...but I'm on my way.
-Elmer Gantry
I get the feeling sometime that I'm a swindler.

Am I just putting up a front that I care about my fellow human being. Or am I just looking to sucker someone into "me."
I don't want people to come half way. I want them to come all the way. I don't want to compromise with people. I want them to follow. I don't want anything other than to satisfy myself. That is pretty obvious by my self important writings. I fear that I have become a huckster. That I have found what works for me, and then like a snake finding a way to fit in, so I can be the insidious snake that leads people away from what they want, and need, to better serve my needs.
I'm Elmer Gantry laughing maniacally along with the preacher, because she is hot, and he can smell a quick buck.
"Which one is it this time? Booze or women?"
Sister Falconer can see right through me.
I annoy myself sometimes.
File under Vice.
4 comments:
i hear ya, let me drag the common out first though, we are all hucksters, that's what it means to be a sinner. but you know that and i know that. i just alliterate for the kids that don't know. we huck, we sin, i sell snake oil. in fact since this is an "anom" type forum shop we set up i can disclose that i have played wolf to the shepheard. for example, i have big, big., problems with biblical canon and how it was developed and how we understand the "Word of God". i have shared my own doubts and questions with others and have made them question their faith. not cool. so what do i do? i pay more attention so i don't cause the little ones to stumble. so what of it? i drive around with my trunk full of miracle elixir snake oil and i don't sell it, there ain't no reason to share the poison unless someone asks for a swig. and then they got to agree not to hold me accountable for the poison i got. it's the same reason why the hospital has divided wings for different cases. cancer ward, burn unit, it's for efficiency but it is also so that you don't have different poisons mixing. that's why people who enjoi the same sin typically flock to one another.
The difference is that my snake oil is me.
I'm constantly selling myself. My writing, my band, my art, my everything.
I'm making the "little ones" stumble into my arms.
Because I have lusts that I feel the need to pursue.
It borders on sociopathic sometimes I fear. But I will work through that and get to a place where I can be normalized in some way. I hope? (maybe).
i think you will get through it. like you said, your snake oil is yourself. so you when you are in full "on" mode your soul is grasping out for something, someone, some fix. i can dig it because i know what it means to want to be wanted, or tortured, or stalked, or to control. you are right, it borders on sociopathy, like we were sayin yesterday, how we are able to stalk without stalking. i have done it, i wasn't as good at it on my first but i have gotten progressively better.
i would prefer to be the object of desire. the submissive is really the one with the power, so our art is a maelstrom, it's big, beautiful and dangerous, luring people in all so that they may become the abuser.
but becoming normal? maybe, i think maybe just different, an evening, just as much as i think about the extremes i think about the balance and both are necessary.
It just seems like balance is slipping away from me. But more on that later.
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