Why write fiction?

I love to write. The way that words get trapped in my head an pester me I need to have that release. I need to be able to put those thoughts and words down.

But I fear those words. Because, often, what I'm thinking and feeling isn't something that should be thought, or felt. Let alone written down for the world to hear. All of the hate, and lust, and fear. All those things can be a little overwhelming.

So I write fiction.

And I'm slowly discovering how much of a cop out that is.

Fiction is a way for me to write exactly what I'm thinking and feeling, but not actually take ownership of it. Not actually realize the full power of those thoughts, because all that I'm actually doing is making stuff up. I'm not coming face to face with my personal rage, or the pain that I have caused others. Instead I'm having someone pick open their own face, or turn into a zombie, or fight homosexual Norse gods.

That is weak.

And as I write more and more of these. And as I read books by Anthony Bourdain, and Anne Lamott, and Thomas Merton, and Henry Rollins, and Hunter S. Thompson. I realize that the thread of real life is there. The idea isn't to just put words down. The idea is to put worth while words down. And the worth while words for me have to ring of truth, or I feel like I'm failing at the endeavor.

So I tried writing "literary fiction," and that ends up being just as much of a cop out. I'm writing about my friends and my family, but with idiotic names so that, "they won't know who they are if they read it." Which I know is bullshit, because none of my friends and family are stupid. So that falls short for me to. Unfortunately it fell short about 7500 words in.

So the work for me is to now write this. To write non-fiction. To be a real writer.

At least in my opinion a real writer.

File under Virtue.