Cigarettes

It is nearly impossible for me to think of a vice free life.  Where I am not (due to circumstances I have put myself in) I cannot drink, I'm not having sex, I've given up on the whole porn thing, and weed is illegal as it is, and I'll be damned if I go back to cutting (it is hard enough explaining scars to my kids, let alone fresh wounds).  So what is left to me.

Born is the resurgence of the oldest of my habits.  Smoking.

Lighting up that first cigarette and taking down a drag was one of the most relieving things I've done in years.  Maybe it is the properties of the nicotine, maybe it is just the indulgence in some self destructive behaviour, but there is something about it that is just working for me right now.

So how to explain to kids that I have told for their entire lives that cigarettes are bad.  I know that I could just hide it from them, but I don't want to be that parent.  I don't want to be the one that tells their kids that, "nothing is wrong, Dad isn't doing anything."  First off they are smarter than that, and second, it isn't fair to them.

I want my kids to know that their dad is honest with them.

I want them to know they can be honest with me.

And maybe that starts with some of this that I think is small, but that they will think is a big deal.  Then the struggle becomes.  How much do I tell them.  Probably all of it.  That dad has no outlets to relieve stress other than the band, and smoking a cigarette when he gets the chance.  I guess it is as simple as that.  Not involving J. in the decision to tell them is a little awkward, what with this all being so fresh at this point.  But that will have to be how things are from now on.

This is going to be all about finding out who I am again.  Here is to being a single parent.

Post under Vice.

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