Waking up.

"This isn't how it is supposed to be.

You so far away from me.

You should be by my side.

And this isn't how it was supposed to be.

The three of you not here with me.

And I burn inside.

Knowing how much I miss of your life."

-G.

I woke up this morning with this little emo ditty scrawled on a piece of paper.

And all I could think to myself was, "I had a good day, how do I end up falling asleep with such sadness last night."

All I know is that sometimes my life isn't quite the way I'm expecting it to be. And when the sun is down and I've had a little bit (read way to much) to drink I still find this strange dark place that I only like for the lyrical content it tends to bring out.

And I had such a good day today, just hanging out with myself. Quiet, TV, lazy, because even someone as high strung as me needs to just kind of mellow and be non functioning for a day. And it was everything that I could have hoped for today.

And now it is night time.

And I feel that slightly dark place creeping in. And I know what I want. V. and 3 little kids all curled up in be around me. Comfort in touch, and togetherness and proximity.

But I'm not going to get that.

And as I'm fading out, slipping into The Territories.

I get a call from F.

And he is having a rough day, and he wants to go and drink and talk and work through some of his shit. Get out a good laugh with an abortion joke and feel a little bit better about himself. So I do what I need to do, not out of obligation, but out of love for my brother (he is 92 he just doesn't know it). And as we talk and drink and I move from buzz to tipsy to drunk, that dark place keeps open wider and wider. A maw that wants to consume, that wants to take me to places that I know for a fact I don't like to be.

And I stumble home (thankfully not to late because I have to be awake at 3am), I know that I just want to put on music and pass out. And I want that dream to overwhelm me, fuck that I want that dream to be reality.

A bed, and my kids, and love.

I feel I'm cliche.

Remember down the river, not across the street.

File under emo vice.