Home is 47 Miles Away.

It seems like a life time ago when this was my life.

I'm curled up in bed with b. & a. watching Bones.

a. falls asleep in my arms.

b. cuddles next to me, and I feel alive.

Once, this was my life. And I live for these brief moments.

But it is time for them to go home. And I still have no way to get back to Den. So I decide in that moment to do what I know how to do best. I decide to walk. I get a ride to the interstate and then walk down the off ramp. I put my beanie on, stick my thumb out and start to walk.

-

The world is so much different out here.

There is no light between the exits, just this cold black stretch of road. My shadow stretches out for what seems like forever then whips behind me as car after car flies by. The hiss of their wheels and roar of their engines, startle even though you know they are coming. And the semis fly past, seconds after they are gone, wind buffets the body. I'm walking so the cold isn't really a factor, my body is warm and I have enough clothes on so it isn't cutting through me like it could. And then I see the sign. Denver 47.

I stop for just a moment, take a deep breath and steel myself for what may be about to happen. For the fact that I may actually end up walking 47 miles to get home.

-

She is taking me to see them. The car flying down the highway. I'm exhausted from staying up to late the night before, being there for a friend, and then working the whole day. I rest my head on her shoulder and though not asleep I'm in that place of tired comfort. I listen to her talk about her past life, and sing a little bit. I feel like a real person with a real life for just a little bit. Not this ghost that I'm becoming where I feel like I just pass in and out of lives to play a major part but never the lead role.

So many times she has been my saving grace. So many times she has come through for me. And today when she told me that she would come to get me, so that I could see them, I cried. And fell more in love with her.

She made me feel more valued than I could ever imagine.

Pulling up to the house I see kids looking out the window, waiting not just for me, but for us. And my heart soars. We go in, and they are in different rooms, but as soon as they see us, they ambush. There are hugs and kisses and wrestling. All those things that I love so much about my three children. When they aren't around I miss them so much that it hurts. So I try not to think about them. But when they are there, that is all I think about.

And with her by my side. The smile was never ending.

-

Brake lights.

A turn signal.

I see them over and over. Switching lanes and slowing down, all a cruel joke of the cosmos. One foot in front of the other I keep going. The hills are an illusion. When the cars hit them going up, it looks like they are slowing down. It looks like they may be getting ready to stop. The angle of the auto changes lie leaving leaving the impression that they are slowing down. I stop watching the cars and just look at the pitch black ground as they fly by me.

My mind wanders as I think about what they are thinking. Or if they are even thinking. Wondering if I'm dangerous, or how poor I may be, if they even register that someone is walking along the side of the road, alone, in the middle of the night. Then I see real tail lights pulled over on the shoulder and run.

-

Joe takes me about five miles to the next exit and drops me off at a gas station. I get a drink of water and walk out to the highway again. One foot in front of the other. Home is closer.

And so far away.

I just keep walking until the pin pricks of light that are the stars catch my eye. Bright shining in the pitch black of the highway shoulder. Every once and a while the world catches me by total surprise. There is nothing more spectacular than nature. It is so wild and open. I begin to drift off into thoughts of life without society, and my foot slips sideways off of the side of the road.

I roll my ankle for the fourth or fifth time in a few months. Going down to a knee I try to get up as quick as I can, and my leg just tries to give up. "Fuck you foot!" I yell and stand up. The pain is immense and for a second, like every time I've rolled my ankle, I think that maybe I broke it this time. But I put some weight on it, and start to walk. At first at a limp. But then I just start to force the same pace I had before.

I'm moving again.

-

I walked another hour and a half or so when I saw the next set of tail lights flash, and the second car pull over.

I jog up behind it.

There is this second where I think, "What if this person is going to kill and kidnap me?"

Then I realize that they are probably thinking the same thing, so I just walk up to the door. I'm surprised to see a woman sitting in the driver's seat alone. I open the door and slide in. She introduces herself as Crystal and asks where I'm going.

I tell her Denver.

She asks where.

I tell her downtown.

She tells me that isn't to far out of her way and offers to take me all the way into the city. I thank her profusely. Conversation is good, but nothing really to call home about. I try to bring up everything that pisses people off, because I tend to do that with new people, so religion, politics and Chelsea Football all come up.

She rambles on about growing up with brothers, and rugby, and some other stuff. And exhaustion is trying really hard to make me fall asleep. So I just smile and nod, and every time I have a chance I hijack the conversation and talk as much as possible to stay awake. Just like a.

-

There he was.

Hyper, kicking, running, wrestling.

Until I took him in my arms and whispered while we laid down, "Just calm down boy, lay here with me and calm down."

And he did.

And he slept.

And one foot got put in front of the other. And I was home. And it was all worth it to have him in my arms, asleep, for just a little bit.

File under Virtue