Where are you?

I wake up lost.

I grope for her...

Not even fully aware of who she should be, or do I know and just hope that I don't. But tonight is no empty bed. It is a couch and I fall. Hard. Physically, mentally. I just fall.

There is empty space next to me, that my mind fills up with favorite spots, half forgotten words, and darkness. I hear songs that were meant for me, for her, maybe even for us.

I grope again, pulling a blanket close. I know that sleep has left for the evening, and that my only choice is here.

She looked in my eyes and asked me, right there in the middle of the dream, "Where are you?"

"So close. I don't know." I was lost again, in fear, in hope. Losing my mind while I find everything that I have ever wanted.

Where are you?

Where are you?

Those were the exact words I was whispering. I wanted closer, for the dream to never end. To never wake. This was my moment to be John the Revelator. I had words to write, futures to see.

I just push it all down inside. Pretend like I don't want to break.

But I do. I want to be crushed. I want to feel every moment of pain, every fleck of coughed up blood. I want to...be lost again. I don't want to know where I'm going or what I'm doing. To be the voice in the wilderness. I want to be lost in "her." In love.

I have a part of that.

I will take what I can get.

But in these rare moments I see the dark walls, and the dark nights as a dare. "Rise and wake," they taunt, "Hunt us and find that the air is cool, and the black runs deeper in you than you ever suspected."

---

I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about at this point.

"Where are you? Stop over thinking. Be right here."

I try.

You have to know that I try.

I try with the words. Fail.

I try with a heart (sometimes mine, sometimes someone else). Fail.

I try with the petty day to day shit. Fail.

Where did my capacity for reality go wrong. I have my head in the clouds. And when you bring me back down to reality, all I can seem to do is get lost again.

I just want to put my head in some one's lap and let them run their fingers through my hair till I sleep. All I ever write about is sleep. All I ever whine about is sleep.

I can hear Ja. mocking this in the morning. Fuck it is morning.

Where are you?

I know where you are.

The more important question. Is where I am. And why I don't know.

God give me rest.

I know that we had an understanding, but maybe I was a little to hasty. Maybe I should ask you back over here. Let you meddle a bit. You know I hate it when you do that, but I made you a promise once that I would try and follow. Not much of a promise. I just don't know that I trust you yet. You let a lot of things happen. Things that make me wonder about your love.

Amen

---

"Where are you?"

"I'm right here."

From you to me. From me to you. From you to Him. From Him to you. From me to Him. From Him to me. Over and over.

These dreams just keep getting stranger.

Full of couches, and stolen moments.

Fear, and stolen.

Over and over.

File under both.