"This is my dream
wrapped up in cellophane
all that is solid melts
in the air
all that was holy now
is profane."
So I sat to watch a movie.
Maybe not my best bet.
I can't even explain how strange I was after that. It was two and I was still not tired. I was fixated on this loneliness. I sat down to do some real writing. I put on Drew Danburry and then remembered that Da. had burned me of what may have been one of my favorite albums in High School. So I popped in Joe Christmas.
This isn't really about last night.
It is about back then.
Je. and I worked together. This guy was my best friend all through high school and we worked as janitors for his brother in law and sister. We would have to get to this tractor showroom a few times a week by like five in the morning to meet them there. Je. and I were pretty prompt, which is to say that Je. was prompt and would come get me at home and drag me to work.
We had just picked up the album, and in the semi light of dawn we would doze off for a while in the car while we waited to get to work. Sometimes we would talk about stuff while we waited, sometimes we would just rest. I spent a lot of time with this guy, but I always felt strange still.
Always in these dawn moments, I felt alone.
And I always have.
Maybe this is about last night too.
I don't know what it is, but even with the people that I love, and the people that are close to me, I feel so detached. Like I don't belong, like I'm just trying to get by, by pretending to be someone, or pretending to be happy. I only feel close, really close with a very few people, and I end up pushing them all away.
So all night last night I'm fixated. On the emptiness, and the solitude.
And I'm wondering.
If I could wake up to a face smiling at me. Who would it be? Would I feel any closer to them? Would I know who I was? Or would it just be empty again.
I'm not sure right now.
So I'll just listen to Joe Christmas some more.
"They don't exist in my world
They don't exist in my world
They don't exist in my world
They don't exist in my world."
File under Vice.
2 comments:
i am writing this comment before i drop into the insanity that will be my post, man's first intended relation was to be to the One. and because of the perfection of the design we choose abstraction just as much as the Creator desired communion with us we desire communion with others. however we got outward just as much as the One. i know the lonelieness inside you. it is inside me too. it is inside the One, it is the fire of creation, it is why we exist, it is the litany of the cathechism and the origin of existence. trust me, even when waking next to the one person who you want to spend eternity with and desire to fight all of heaven for isn't enough to quench the flames of loneliness. detachment does not have to mean the absence of peace it means we must make peace with what lies beyond the light horizon. there are things yet to be created. Solomon got many things correct but he was not right when he said everything has been done before. there are treasures yet to be found and art left to be made. it must be so. i would be lying if i told you that i have mastered being at peace with who i am when i am alone in the dark by myself. there are times when i struggle not to pull the rip cord on this half ass parachute i have bundled and let my body fall to earth. but i don't. there is far too much to be seen from this vantage point to hang it all up. though you feel alone, you are never alone.
Trust me, that is something that I'm really starting to come to terms with. God is there. It is just a matter of me looking hard enough.
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